Self Indulgent, me?

I suppose, if you have ever read my blog, you will realise that it has changed from being something I needed to do, just to get things out of my head, to something that gives me a certain amount of enjoyment. A chance to express myself. The last 2 blogs have been that, a chance to do a bit about one of my favourite subjects, me. And I have to say I have enjoyed it.

However.

I was sitting in my office at work the other day and the door was opened by one of my colleagues, someone who's judgement I trust. We had a short conversation, "Read the Blog, bit self indulgent wasn't it" and of course I immediately saw what she was saying was true. I think I had forgotten the title of the of the Blog. This is about what the family are going through not me showing you my grand parents house, not a few pictures of the carnival. So it's back to business this time.

But there's the rub, the thing is you do get lost in the whole thing, Tracey becomes the cancer, I become "poor Tracey's husband", the kids are "those poor kids" everything revolves around this bloody disease and you begin to forget yourself. You don't know where the disease stops and you start. It could be I was just trying to bring a bit of myself back in to the equation, something cancer free. Or it could just be that I was being self indulgent.

Anyway this week is chemo 5, two to go. Getting nearer the end. Only don't say that to Trace. Every chemo is like the end of the world. One to go is not near the end, it is another visit to Hades, a descent in to hell . Pain and sickness, the threat of infection and the feeling of overwhelming dread. More poison pumping around the veins. This does not wind down, it crashes.

I have taken a few days off to see if we can get out while Tracey is feeling a bit better. Docetaxle has left Trace much achier (is that a word?) than the previous chemicals, but we might be able to get a few hours to ourselves in the next couple of days and stretch the legs a little. A little sight seeing would bolster the spirits. All time spent together and feeling OK is to be treasured.

Everything else is very normal, I was mauled by a rabbit last night and the boys continue to try and get out of doing the washing up. My car never leaves Olivia. I am told there is now make up on the passenger seat. I still get stifled by a Vanilla air freshener every time I get in it. Vaughan's team lost to Weston hornets at Rugby and Adam never left the house all weekend.

Another Tinsley week over and a new one just begun.

Chris

Nostalgia, it ain't what it used to be

Sorry to bang on about the carnival, it is special so I have got a link to a Youtube video of some of the best carts. You can find it here. It just gives a better impression of the size, noise and action on the carts.

The other reason to for going to North Petherton is nostalgia. Pethey is my spiritual home, I wasn't born there, that honour goes to Somerset Bridge nearby, but I did spend most of my youth there so it is in my soul. My mother and father, uncle, grand parents and great grand parents are all buried there. I always take a chance to have a good wander round.

It's strange going back to places you once loved, change always happens, everything is a little smaller and you never bump in to anyone you know. Where were David Carter and Mike Hellier? Moved away like the rest of us I expect (although at my age some might be in the graveyard, more of that later). Anyway I took my usual walk around the town with my kids, Livi's boyfriend Sam and Lyn's son Sean. It's always nice to have them bring you down. As I walked dewy eyed past my old primary school my eldest son said "I suppose your going to tell us about how the boys were separated from the girls and infants in the playground dad, again. You always do". He must be psychic because I was. Do I really repeat myself year after year? It's just practice for my dotage.

Well after that set back I decided to let the kids look after themselves for a while as I charged on towards the cemetery. Sean played with all the big kids and I kept out of the way. It was about 4 and people were already starting to line up.

Sean and Adam, never parted

When we got to the cemetery I immediately headed for my parents grave. I am not a maudlin person, I don't need to visit at regular intervals, I don't need to place flowers but when we have time the whole family enjoys a quick shuffle around and to check all is in order. Apart from needing a good spruce up it was fine. It's a little cremation plot.

Tinsley resting place

We moved on to my uncle Gilberts grave and had a little look at the others nearby. These are all recent graves and it is uncomfortable to see an old school friend amongst them. Not a close friend, someone I played football with in Primary school. I suppose it's just a reminder of your own mortality and I don't think that that is needed right now.

Anyway we continued around the churchyard. I know my gran and grandad graves are no longer there. Not sure what happened but they just no longer exist, there was a stone but now it's gone. But my grans father and mother are there, the Petersens. I never knew John but have some vague recollections of granny Petersen.

There is a good view from the cemetery, after a few moments Looking up to Dancing Hill and Kings Cliff we started our walk back, specially designed to take in my grand parents house at   1 Butts Corner. What a great name, no idea why it's called that but it keeps the kids happy. Of course it looks much smaller than it used to and the garden has been cut in half to put in another house, but I still like it.

Yes it's part of a bottom

After this we visited my uncle Michael and Aunty Val for a little and of course jean was there. I don't get to see uncle Michael nearly enough and it is lovely to talk to him.

My last special treat was the final part of the walk back to Lyn. I took a detour past my old house (much to Sean's chagrin). The street looks a little like Beruit and the houses are all tiny. There are cars everywhere. How did we ever play cricket and football up and down the street? Any way here's me in front of 14 Millbay, the porches are new.



Is it little or am I just bigger?

 The final part of our walk took us past one of the best back street boozers around, the Globe. I don't know how it is still there but it is. It was never my pub in Pethey, that was the George, but it has always held a place in my affections and there's a picture of some of my relatives pushing a pram by the brook, taken when they were children in the 1930's on the wall.

Drink here

So there you are, a little nostalgic visit to my past.

Chris x

Carnival special

Or Somerset boy goes mad with camera, in Somerset.

I love the Somerset carnivals, it gives me chance to go back to roots and to see my cousin Lyn, Malc, Sean and My brother and Susan (and my uncle Michael, Val, Jean....). Also North Petherton carnival, the second of the best illuminated carnivals in the World. It takes more than 2 hours to pass, I won't say much more I'll just leave you with a big bunch of pictures. None of the pictures or even the videos give a real impression of the size and the noise of a Somerset carnival cart (not float!). I have included a tractor picture to give it that rural feel.

Jeanette

 

 

And this is but a small part of my collection.

Chris x

The man in black

The few days after chemo are always worrying and the worry is heightened when we pass on to another protocol. Friday's chemo was Tracey's first dose of docetaxel. for those of you interested the full range of possible side effects of this noxious drug can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Docetaxel . This drug is a nasty piece of work. All of Tracey's recent trials and tribulations can be found in her blog, but alongside the the new chemo she is also now injecting herself everyday with a blood thinning agent to rid herself of a blood clot at the entry site of the PICC line. The diarrhoea caused by docetaxel complements the constipation caused by the cocktail of anti-sickness drugs. I shall try never to complain about a cold again!

The strange thing is that this has been a bit of a slow burner, first day and a bit Tracey was a bit hyper due to the steroids, so she was continually talking (no change there). But now we have had a bit of a crash, chemo foggy head, hands and feet hurting and a cold head. She is watching Downton Abbey at the moment, don't expect a blog for a day or two. We have been warned that the white blood cell count drops earlier with this so the next few days are a worry.

The good news is that Bren is back and I had a very passable Cornish rib eye steak for tea, I had bacon and egg baps for breakfast and have been filled up with tea in between. The bad news for Tracey is that I have lost my separate bed and am now back snoring in my bedroom. Fortunately she is feeling so tired that she will be off to sleep well before I get upstairs.

I had a funny few days holiday, we knew that we would be in the hospital on the Wednesday and Friday but were hoping to get out on Thursday. As it turned out we were in on all three days and couldn't get out, but that doesn't matter, it was worth it to get a step forward with the treatment. At least we know there is a clot on the PICC line and that something is being done about it. And we are 2 thirds through chemo.

Elsewhere life continues, Vaughan missed rugby training today as he had the end of the pain from his twisted ankle, the poor love. For a rough tough rugby player he can be delicate. Livi continues to use my(our) car. I have hardly seen it for a week, I expect I will get it back next time it needs fuel. Adam went to a fancy dress party. We spent all week wondering what he should go as, it was a Halloween party with a TV/film theme. We had a great deal of trouble finding a character for him. No superhero Adam, Woodie from Toy Story? In the end we settled on a man in black, he could be either Tommy Lee Jones or Will Smith. See what you think. 



Come on girls!

Finally today is Halloween, lots of small children begging for chocolates and their parents egging them on. What ever happened to "penny for the guy mister" followed by a swift "sod off". It's so much easier to exchange verbal abuse with a teenager. Anyway as the only one in the house still interested I bought all the chocolates and made our brilliant display. Lets just say that I couldn't find a pumpkin and I had no candles. But we had loads of poor children and their parents coming to the door. It must have been my display.

Whooooooooooo!

Yes I know, it's just terrifying. It's amazing the effect you can get with two cardboard boxes and a couple of led's. "Cheap" was the word Livi used to describe it, I think she was right. (She also said "Oh my god you didn't put that outside the house did you?" I think I may have destroyed all her remaining street credibility. Mission accomplished!) 

So there we are another few days gone, 54 shopping days to Christmas and North Petherton carnival on Saturday. Yes I am suffering from rising excitement at the thought of Britain's biggest and best illuminated carnival and a day back amongst my own people "oooh arrr".

Chris x

Busted teapot

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. Not the usual "who is going to win the league"," when will Ann be knocked out of Strictly" or " what is Ola doing now that she doesn't have to train Paul" no I think I have moved on to slightly more advanced stuff. It starts off, I suppose, because now we are in to a bit of a routine I have time to reflect. I will say right at the beginning of this don't expect any religious or pseudo religious claptrap from me. If anything these events have made me more anti-religious than ever. I don't do god regardless of the flavour. I don't do church or mosque, tarot or astrology. This is not because I don't have an open mind, it's because I don't have a closed mind. I believe that everyday there are millions of coincidences that the manipulative or weak in mind try to rationalise as some sort of guiding spirit/entity. To my mind where we are as a family is smack in the middle of a natural ailment which will be cured by science. Discovered by touch, identified by xray, diagnosed by doctor, treated by nurses, cured by chemicals. No room for a Deity in the process. 

I now approach it all with a clearer mind. At first I was locked in to confusion and worry. This is happening to my Tracey and there is nothing I can do. No matter how well you dress up doing the washing and shopping it's not a cure, as a treatment it doesn't even approach the value of an aspirin. And yet it helps to keep everyone sane, "it's Tuesday so it's rugby and football training, it's Sunday so it's time for a roast, take Livi to work, take the boys to school" all mind occupying sanity. The reality is we have to let this process work it's way through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but it's the light on the way out of a Chilean mine not the glow of heaven.

So we are in to treat, treat the disease, treat the symptoms, treat the effects of the chemicals, treat the kids, treat yourself, treat Tracey, have a treat. I am not one to wish time away but I am really looking forward to the end of chemo, to use one of my daughters favourite phrases "It's doing my head in".

Of course what you all want to hear is what we have been up to since the last blog. Well I have been off work for the last couple of days, both of which have been spent in and out of hospital with Trace, dealing with blood and PICC lines, nurses and Registrars. I am sure Trace will tell you about it all. Tomorrow should be chemo 4 or the first of the new flavour, but there are complications not to be detailed here. 

It's been a nothing sort of week. I will start with work. I mentioned in my last blog that we had moved to the old West Wilts site on Bradley road in Trowbridge. I have to say that it is much better than County Hall. There has unfortunately been one tragedy on the way.

As it was



After it fell out of the boot of my car.

 I consider the loss of this teapot a tragedy, it was bought for me by the girls at work and already had the lid repaired after an earlier accident. Now it is not more. An omen? I refer you to my opening rant.



My "new" teapot?

 For those of you who care about my teapot status I already have a substitute I might use. It's a Clarice Cliff imitation, I just have to get permission to use it as it is an old family favourite.

The boys have been getting up very late during their holidays, I feel a little sorry that they have been missing out as other people seem to be making the most of it and going out, however if you get up at midday then there is no where to go.

Vaughan twisted his ankle at rugby training this week, this means he now has tubigrip on his ankle and limps everywhere. Adams team won at futsal 12 - 8 after being 5 - 1 down. At last they are getting some fight and stamina. Olivia continues to steal the car at every available opportunity.

So life continues, It's Bridgwater Carnival next week, Tracey is staying home but me and kids are going. I might do a picture special just to show that it is the brightest and best in the country.

Chris x

Clear the roads!!!

It's been a busy Tinsley week, no time to think but lots of crossed fingers.

Sunday was rugby, not training or a friendly match but a fully fledged competitive rugby match versus Wootton Bassett. A humdinger. (Just as an aside and after writing Wootton Bassett, I have spent part of the week looking for words where you can replace one double letter with another. It started off with the words heed and hood, after that both me and Tracey came up with a succession of ee and oo to replace, food - feed, blood - bleed, but I wanted more and managed to get a double consonant replacement off - odd. Tracey then trumped me with abbot and allot. My best so far is rabble - rattle - razzle, a threesome. Who says I don't have a life?) Anyway it was a hell of a match, very tough, very hard fought. More importantly Tracey and Granny managed to make it in the the blazing sunshine. A dazzling twosome shouting for Corsham, a fish wife chorus. Final score 34 - 17 to Corsham. Bring on the next round. Vaughan isn't in this picture but I managed to get the whole thing perfect which is really difficult with the delay on the digital camera/phone.

The next most exciting thing was Adam's GCSE drama. It was time for a performance and he gave one. His drama event was a succession of monologues. All of them were in the same room with some of them done together. The theme was school and Adam played the Truant, there were many other school characters including the headmaster, the receptionist, girl in love etc. etc. It was a noisy room and they were all good performances, some quieter than others. I think we both enjoyed it. Adam's performance was perfect and he had to repeat it 5 times during the evening.

Please be patient with the video, it was taken on my phone and Adams voice is way down in the mix but it does give you some idea of how it all sounded.

And then there was Livi. Driving test time. Live in fear on the roads. Thursday was her big day, we have been sworn to silence for weeks about this. I gave her her final dad/daughter lessons on Monday and Tuesday and then 10:44 Thursday morning she was off and she passed, first time. I am very proud off and pleased for my daughter. She took the car for the rest of the day and came home in the evening saying that there was a knocking noise, which there was. I took it in to the garage the next day and the links on the rollbars had sheared, nearly £100 later it was all fixed and I have hardly seen my car since. Blame for the damage has been clearly placed on my shoulders and the speed bumps on the road to Lackham college. At least I didn't have to get up at 6:30 this morning to take her to work.

So that's my home life this week, Tracey can tell you all the gory details of things that have happened to her.

At work we moved this week, from County Hall to Bradley road out on the Trowbridge trading estates (just about) next to Halfords and B&Q. I now have a long walk to town but a better view from the window. We are just about moved in the new office and it isn't bad. One issue, Mr C was looking out the window on Wednesday afternoon and a young lady sat in the gateway to a garden opposite and shot up (heroin?) then had a fag and staggered in to the house. I'm not shocked but a little surprised. What next, a drive by shooting?

Anyway we are right next to the canteen and the tea is only 40p a cup, so we have drunk loads. I could get used to being here, shame it's being closed. We shall hear about redundancies soon, I probably won't be in the first lot, after that who knows? God damn you Liberal Democrats, may you burn Tories. We still manage to find some fun at work most of which cannot be published here but the wait for change is awful. Why can't we riot like the French?

So that is a quick update.

Cheers Chris x

Don't panic

I panicked today at work. Not a little "oh my god, how am I ever going to get this done" but a full, in your face "I can't be here at the moment". Let me explain.

Today was just a normal day, up early, wake the children who can't get up on their own, Bren takes the boys to school and I go to work, get there about 8:15. We are moving offices at the moment, right across town, so I mix some of the things I have to do with some of the things I ought to do and a bit of packing. Chris, my boss, rings in and says he is going to be late. The day is full of the usual interaction between colleagues, mixed with the excitement of a move, even though I am sure many of us don't want to move. 

I actually get quite a few things started with the prospect of getting many more things done. I pop to the canteen and get a cup of tea and return to my desk at about 10:00. At this point Chris, my boss, arrives. Chris is a brilliant, ebullient, ex serviceman of Danish origins for whom I have infinite affection. He has always been very good to me and I hope I return the favour. Anyway he begins telling us (me and Mike) why he was late. "Denny (his wife) was sick last night. I was sick a couple of times as well. Might have been something that I ate. So I overslept. I feel fine now". And off he walks, straight in to a meeting. I should say at this point Chris works in a small two desk office and I am next door in a small two person office. We are often in each other offices.  

What Chris doesn't realise at this point is I am doing a hypochondriacs equation in my head. "Why was he sick, food poisoning? Is it Norovirus? Is there a chance I could bring this home?" You see for me the point is am I going to walk out of work and take this home to my wife, putting her in hospital for a week or worse. So I let myself stew for a minute and phoned Trace. I already knew my only option was to come home and keep away from him, leave him till he is not infectious. Tracey agreed. So I made my mind up to leave and work from home for the day. As he was still in the meeting and I didn't want to risk further exposure I told Mike what I was doing and left, writing Chris an email when I got home. As soon as I got home I had to wash my hands before I was allowed in the house, I changed my clothes and washed them all, just in case. Chris phoned me up later and we had a chat about it. I am going to work tomorrow but am in a meeting all day so will keep my distance.

For me the point is that Tracey, although she seems fine, is just about as susceptible to infection as she will get. Any chance of illness should be avoided. This is the careful time, wash hands, don't touch, no visitors.

I suppose my question is did I over react? I would be interested in your views.

Anyway, that panic aside, the pictures are back and working so I can show you a few things that have been happening.

Firstly my warrior has managed to get a good black eye. An elbow during a school match. Sorry about the picture being a bit blurred. My daughter has been handling a baby and I managed to get some seasonal photos.


Look at my eye girls





Can you see the panic





Autumn



Can you see me?



And finally, right in the middle of this picture is Ethel, or granny or great granny, or even mum, whatever you want to call her. She continues to look over and protect Tracey. (Some people say she is Jupiter but I don't believe them.)



So that's all for now
Chris x