The man in black

The few days after chemo are always worrying and the worry is heightened when we pass on to another protocol. Friday's chemo was Tracey's first dose of docetaxel. for those of you interested the full range of possible side effects of this noxious drug can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Docetaxel . This drug is a nasty piece of work. All of Tracey's recent trials and tribulations can be found in her blog, but alongside the the new chemo she is also now injecting herself everyday with a blood thinning agent to rid herself of a blood clot at the entry site of the PICC line. The diarrhoea caused by docetaxel complements the constipation caused by the cocktail of anti-sickness drugs. I shall try never to complain about a cold again!

The strange thing is that this has been a bit of a slow burner, first day and a bit Tracey was a bit hyper due to the steroids, so she was continually talking (no change there). But now we have had a bit of a crash, chemo foggy head, hands and feet hurting and a cold head. She is watching Downton Abbey at the moment, don't expect a blog for a day or two. We have been warned that the white blood cell count drops earlier with this so the next few days are a worry.

The good news is that Bren is back and I had a very passable Cornish rib eye steak for tea, I had bacon and egg baps for breakfast and have been filled up with tea in between. The bad news for Tracey is that I have lost my separate bed and am now back snoring in my bedroom. Fortunately she is feeling so tired that she will be off to sleep well before I get upstairs.

I had a funny few days holiday, we knew that we would be in the hospital on the Wednesday and Friday but were hoping to get out on Thursday. As it turned out we were in on all three days and couldn't get out, but that doesn't matter, it was worth it to get a step forward with the treatment. At least we know there is a clot on the PICC line and that something is being done about it. And we are 2 thirds through chemo.

Elsewhere life continues, Vaughan missed rugby training today as he had the end of the pain from his twisted ankle, the poor love. For a rough tough rugby player he can be delicate. Livi continues to use my(our) car. I have hardly seen it for a week, I expect I will get it back next time it needs fuel. Adam went to a fancy dress party. We spent all week wondering what he should go as, it was a Halloween party with a TV/film theme. We had a great deal of trouble finding a character for him. No superhero Adam, Woodie from Toy Story? In the end we settled on a man in black, he could be either Tommy Lee Jones or Will Smith. See what you think. 



Come on girls!

Finally today is Halloween, lots of small children begging for chocolates and their parents egging them on. What ever happened to "penny for the guy mister" followed by a swift "sod off". It's so much easier to exchange verbal abuse with a teenager. Anyway as the only one in the house still interested I bought all the chocolates and made our brilliant display. Lets just say that I couldn't find a pumpkin and I had no candles. But we had loads of poor children and their parents coming to the door. It must have been my display.

Whooooooooooo!

Yes I know, it's just terrifying. It's amazing the effect you can get with two cardboard boxes and a couple of led's. "Cheap" was the word Livi used to describe it, I think she was right. (She also said "Oh my god you didn't put that outside the house did you?" I think I may have destroyed all her remaining street credibility. Mission accomplished!) 

So there we are another few days gone, 54 shopping days to Christmas and North Petherton carnival on Saturday. Yes I am suffering from rising excitement at the thought of Britain's biggest and best illuminated carnival and a day back amongst my own people "oooh arrr".

Chris x

Busted teapot

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. Not the usual "who is going to win the league"," when will Ann be knocked out of Strictly" or " what is Ola doing now that she doesn't have to train Paul" no I think I have moved on to slightly more advanced stuff. It starts off, I suppose, because now we are in to a bit of a routine I have time to reflect. I will say right at the beginning of this don't expect any religious or pseudo religious claptrap from me. If anything these events have made me more anti-religious than ever. I don't do god regardless of the flavour. I don't do church or mosque, tarot or astrology. This is not because I don't have an open mind, it's because I don't have a closed mind. I believe that everyday there are millions of coincidences that the manipulative or weak in mind try to rationalise as some sort of guiding spirit/entity. To my mind where we are as a family is smack in the middle of a natural ailment which will be cured by science. Discovered by touch, identified by xray, diagnosed by doctor, treated by nurses, cured by chemicals. No room for a Deity in the process. 

I now approach it all with a clearer mind. At first I was locked in to confusion and worry. This is happening to my Tracey and there is nothing I can do. No matter how well you dress up doing the washing and shopping it's not a cure, as a treatment it doesn't even approach the value of an aspirin. And yet it helps to keep everyone sane, "it's Tuesday so it's rugby and football training, it's Sunday so it's time for a roast, take Livi to work, take the boys to school" all mind occupying sanity. The reality is we have to let this process work it's way through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but it's the light on the way out of a Chilean mine not the glow of heaven.

So we are in to treat, treat the disease, treat the symptoms, treat the effects of the chemicals, treat the kids, treat yourself, treat Tracey, have a treat. I am not one to wish time away but I am really looking forward to the end of chemo, to use one of my daughters favourite phrases "It's doing my head in".

Of course what you all want to hear is what we have been up to since the last blog. Well I have been off work for the last couple of days, both of which have been spent in and out of hospital with Trace, dealing with blood and PICC lines, nurses and Registrars. I am sure Trace will tell you about it all. Tomorrow should be chemo 4 or the first of the new flavour, but there are complications not to be detailed here. 

It's been a nothing sort of week. I will start with work. I mentioned in my last blog that we had moved to the old West Wilts site on Bradley road in Trowbridge. I have to say that it is much better than County Hall. There has unfortunately been one tragedy on the way.

As it was



After it fell out of the boot of my car.

 I consider the loss of this teapot a tragedy, it was bought for me by the girls at work and already had the lid repaired after an earlier accident. Now it is not more. An omen? I refer you to my opening rant.



My "new" teapot?

 For those of you who care about my teapot status I already have a substitute I might use. It's a Clarice Cliff imitation, I just have to get permission to use it as it is an old family favourite.

The boys have been getting up very late during their holidays, I feel a little sorry that they have been missing out as other people seem to be making the most of it and going out, however if you get up at midday then there is no where to go.

Vaughan twisted his ankle at rugby training this week, this means he now has tubigrip on his ankle and limps everywhere. Adams team won at futsal 12 - 8 after being 5 - 1 down. At last they are getting some fight and stamina. Olivia continues to steal the car at every available opportunity.

So life continues, It's Bridgwater Carnival next week, Tracey is staying home but me and kids are going. I might do a picture special just to show that it is the brightest and best in the country.

Chris x

Clear the roads!!!

It's been a busy Tinsley week, no time to think but lots of crossed fingers.

Sunday was rugby, not training or a friendly match but a fully fledged competitive rugby match versus Wootton Bassett. A humdinger. (Just as an aside and after writing Wootton Bassett, I have spent part of the week looking for words where you can replace one double letter with another. It started off with the words heed and hood, after that both me and Tracey came up with a succession of ee and oo to replace, food - feed, blood - bleed, but I wanted more and managed to get a double consonant replacement off - odd. Tracey then trumped me with abbot and allot. My best so far is rabble - rattle - razzle, a threesome. Who says I don't have a life?) Anyway it was a hell of a match, very tough, very hard fought. More importantly Tracey and Granny managed to make it in the the blazing sunshine. A dazzling twosome shouting for Corsham, a fish wife chorus. Final score 34 - 17 to Corsham. Bring on the next round. Vaughan isn't in this picture but I managed to get the whole thing perfect which is really difficult with the delay on the digital camera/phone.

The next most exciting thing was Adam's GCSE drama. It was time for a performance and he gave one. His drama event was a succession of monologues. All of them were in the same room with some of them done together. The theme was school and Adam played the Truant, there were many other school characters including the headmaster, the receptionist, girl in love etc. etc. It was a noisy room and they were all good performances, some quieter than others. I think we both enjoyed it. Adam's performance was perfect and he had to repeat it 5 times during the evening.

Please be patient with the video, it was taken on my phone and Adams voice is way down in the mix but it does give you some idea of how it all sounded.

And then there was Livi. Driving test time. Live in fear on the roads. Thursday was her big day, we have been sworn to silence for weeks about this. I gave her her final dad/daughter lessons on Monday and Tuesday and then 10:44 Thursday morning she was off and she passed, first time. I am very proud off and pleased for my daughter. She took the car for the rest of the day and came home in the evening saying that there was a knocking noise, which there was. I took it in to the garage the next day and the links on the rollbars had sheared, nearly £100 later it was all fixed and I have hardly seen my car since. Blame for the damage has been clearly placed on my shoulders and the speed bumps on the road to Lackham college. At least I didn't have to get up at 6:30 this morning to take her to work.

So that's my home life this week, Tracey can tell you all the gory details of things that have happened to her.

At work we moved this week, from County Hall to Bradley road out on the Trowbridge trading estates (just about) next to Halfords and B&Q. I now have a long walk to town but a better view from the window. We are just about moved in the new office and it isn't bad. One issue, Mr C was looking out the window on Wednesday afternoon and a young lady sat in the gateway to a garden opposite and shot up (heroin?) then had a fag and staggered in to the house. I'm not shocked but a little surprised. What next, a drive by shooting?

Anyway we are right next to the canteen and the tea is only 40p a cup, so we have drunk loads. I could get used to being here, shame it's being closed. We shall hear about redundancies soon, I probably won't be in the first lot, after that who knows? God damn you Liberal Democrats, may you burn Tories. We still manage to find some fun at work most of which cannot be published here but the wait for change is awful. Why can't we riot like the French?

So that is a quick update.

Cheers Chris x

Don't panic

I panicked today at work. Not a little "oh my god, how am I ever going to get this done" but a full, in your face "I can't be here at the moment". Let me explain.

Today was just a normal day, up early, wake the children who can't get up on their own, Bren takes the boys to school and I go to work, get there about 8:15. We are moving offices at the moment, right across town, so I mix some of the things I have to do with some of the things I ought to do and a bit of packing. Chris, my boss, rings in and says he is going to be late. The day is full of the usual interaction between colleagues, mixed with the excitement of a move, even though I am sure many of us don't want to move. 

I actually get quite a few things started with the prospect of getting many more things done. I pop to the canteen and get a cup of tea and return to my desk at about 10:00. At this point Chris, my boss, arrives. Chris is a brilliant, ebullient, ex serviceman of Danish origins for whom I have infinite affection. He has always been very good to me and I hope I return the favour. Anyway he begins telling us (me and Mike) why he was late. "Denny (his wife) was sick last night. I was sick a couple of times as well. Might have been something that I ate. So I overslept. I feel fine now". And off he walks, straight in to a meeting. I should say at this point Chris works in a small two desk office and I am next door in a small two person office. We are often in each other offices.  

What Chris doesn't realise at this point is I am doing a hypochondriacs equation in my head. "Why was he sick, food poisoning? Is it Norovirus? Is there a chance I could bring this home?" You see for me the point is am I going to walk out of work and take this home to my wife, putting her in hospital for a week or worse. So I let myself stew for a minute and phoned Trace. I already knew my only option was to come home and keep away from him, leave him till he is not infectious. Tracey agreed. So I made my mind up to leave and work from home for the day. As he was still in the meeting and I didn't want to risk further exposure I told Mike what I was doing and left, writing Chris an email when I got home. As soon as I got home I had to wash my hands before I was allowed in the house, I changed my clothes and washed them all, just in case. Chris phoned me up later and we had a chat about it. I am going to work tomorrow but am in a meeting all day so will keep my distance.

For me the point is that Tracey, although she seems fine, is just about as susceptible to infection as she will get. Any chance of illness should be avoided. This is the careful time, wash hands, don't touch, no visitors.

I suppose my question is did I over react? I would be interested in your views.

Anyway, that panic aside, the pictures are back and working so I can show you a few things that have been happening.

Firstly my warrior has managed to get a good black eye. An elbow during a school match. Sorry about the picture being a bit blurred. My daughter has been handling a baby and I managed to get some seasonal photos.


Look at my eye girls





Can you see the panic





Autumn



Can you see me?



And finally, right in the middle of this picture is Ethel, or granny or great granny, or even mum, whatever you want to call her. She continues to look over and protect Tracey. (Some people say she is Jupiter but I don't believe them.)



So that's all for now
Chris x

You're an idiot!

Sometimes I say things which on reflection were possibly not the right thing to say. Now I'm not saying that this is a common occurrence, I don't spend my whole life upsetting everyone or at least have never planned to do that. I sometimes suffer from "foot in mouth" disease, not thinking before I say something or just going for what I think is the overwhelmingly funny line without thinking of any possible outcome. I sometimes even manage to make myself shudder with a thoughtless phrase. Once said it can't be unsaid. This is a family trait shared equally with my brother who I think is slightly less funny than me and slightly more crass. I am also aware that he does not own a computer and will never read this himself, so I can say what I like. My manager and friend Chris likens it to Tourettes syndrome. I am not sure whether our present predicament is making me more or less susceptible to this or whether people have become more tolerant to my utterings.

Anyway what's the point in me explaining this? I took my daughter for a driving lesson today, straight after work. We have a pretty good in car relationship, Livi drives and I occasionally pass comment. It's 20 years since I passed my test and things have changed, I have forgotten most of what I was taught and she is learning things in a different way. She drives off, finds a place to manoeuvre and gets on with it. I don't even give many directions. "Navigate to Chippenham" and off she goes.

Anyway today was one of those days, straight after work she drove to Chippenham. We spent a little time around the estate by the Wiltshire and Swindon history centre and headed home to do bay parking in Leekes car park. Livi chose the bay to park in. "I will park in the one by the tree" an 8 foot tall Rowan tree. Some of you may be getting an idea of which direction this is going. Livi proceeded to give an excellent demonstration of bay parking only slightly ruined by a gentle impact on the tree directly behind the parking bay. This was a very low impact crash. At this point my tourettes kicked in "idiot" I said. Somethings do not need to be said and I realised pretty quickly it was the wrong thing to say. I quickly got out of the car to check the damage, of which there was none, and to give myself a bit of thinking time. I got back in the car" I didn't see the tree behind me". "You said you were parking in the bay with the tree". "It was in my blind spot".

There are 2 problems here, I can't unsay idiot and Livi can't unhit the tree. So we have a very quiet drive back to the house. There was only one course of action I have to apologise, it might take a bit longer for the tree to admit anything.

Adam has been doing homework for most of the day, which means he has been on Facebook all day, with a bit of homework. Vaughan has had 2 hours rugby training followed by 2 hours sleep.

I took advantage of the fine weather to chop down a load of weeds. The garden is looking standard so it is at its best. I also took a bit of time to cut my own hair, a number four. The results are interesting if not salon standard.

Tracey is on one of her worse few days of the cycle (no not that one, her chemo cycle). The stuff that is pumped in to her is horrible and I can only imagine how she feels. There will be no blogs for a while. Today was a PJ day for her and I am not sure she will be out of them tomorrow. If it makes her feel better, good she can stay in them all week. So it's no visitors for now.

This is beginning to feel like it has gone on for ever(not the blog) and yet the last chemo was only 3 out of 6. Still that's half way there so we are on the downward slope. The next time is a different nasty, toxic, chemical, can't wait.

I leave you with some funny things from an email I received from an Irish friend of mine. 

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Chris

Things I have learnt

It's been a while since I blogged last, this has in part been due to homework and illness (mine). During this time I have learnt one or two things which I will share.

Me being ill is not as important as it once was.

This should have been obvious but still came as a shock. Last week I had a cold, a genuine death bed, man flu, cold. I felt crap. For the hypochondriacs amongst us, as I am, this should has been a time of celebration as I wallowed in the joys of illness. Not any more. No more lounging about looking for sympathy.

Quarantined!

Kept away from everyone, separate bedrooms, no touching, no cuddles, no special treats. this continued way after my symptoms had gone. The lonely life of separate beds. The main thing is to make sure that Tracey does not catch anything. And she didn't.

It is impossible to avoid Cancer in the media

One of the things you find really quickly is that there are lots and lots of stories about cancer, ours (Tracey's) is yet another one. Each story is special and each sufferer is brave, most of the time. From young to old sufferers are stoic and resourceful. The number of column inches and particularly supplement inches dedicated to these stories is enormous. They all start in a similar way although the outcomes vary widely. I want an illness free supplement every now and then. This is so I can enjoy my Lazy Sunday Morning Read. I would like to able to read and not glance at Tracey with my "you poor love" face on as I reach the end of yet another tale of how they realised there was something wrong when they fell face first in to a bowl of lasagna after downing 3 bottles of retsina.

People want to talk about it because they don't know what to say.

This is not a complaint about people asking how Trace is, far from it, I love peoples concern. People have been so much better than I thought they would be and I am happy to trot out her latest symptoms, I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't. This is more an observation about how many people I know and the people I talk to know who have had the disease. My mother died of cancer, my brother has had bladder cancer. I have just found out that an old friend of mine, Jim Clatworthy has a very severe form of cancer. I will bring all of these things in to a conversation. And so will the people I am talking too and that's the point, too much mutual wallowing. Lets talk about football and rugby, books and the telly, tee shirts that are too tight and six packs, Beyonces latest video and Take That's comeback. Lets talk about drinking and walking, about stupid things that you have done and funny things that have happened. Lets shout at the government, call me a lefty, a heathen and a heretic and I'll call you a god botherer, a religious nutcase. Let's have a laugh, a row, a shout or a song. Anything but normal.

As well as you think you are coping anxiety seeps out

There is a lot of self pity in this present blog. I find it all hard at the moment, we are in no mans land. On the long haul to salvation. It's neither new or cured. For me this manifests itself in strange ways. I am tired all the time, before and after sleep and probably when I am sleeping. I am bad tempered and find work particularly difficult. I can't seem to get on with anything, it's all confusing. I am not nice to the kids and very loving all at the same time.

So that how I am at the moment. As for other things, well I saw Vaughan score a try in a school rugby match, that has to be good. Adam is out at a play as part of his school drama course. Livi continues to drive me round the bend, then down the college drive and over the humps. Test very soon, everyone very frightened.

I mentioned Jim Clatworthy earlier in this blog and his fight against a much more agressive form of cancer Glioblastoma multiforme or GBM. Jim and his brother Clarence are old Rugby playing friends of mine from North Petherton. Jim was a great front row forward and is a hard working farmer in North Newton. Jim and his wife Michelle are raising money towards a special treatment for him and this particularly nasty cancer. If you want to contribute to this he can be found at http://www.jimclatworthy.co.uk/ . It is a about a year since they started the fund and he has just had an operation on his brain tumour, I wish him well.

Well then still no luck with pictures so I will just say goodbye.

Chris x