Los Endos

Those of you with very long memories and a certain taste in music will recognise the title of this as coming from a song by Genesis, a truly 1970's song that went on and on and (and on) and I still love every minute of it. But eventually it had to come to an end. A long drawn out finale with the occasional false ending and one or two false re-starts. This is my 50th blog and might be my last as everything comes to a natural end. Let me explain.

The good and only news, Tracey has returned to work. It was last Monday and she has started her slow integration back in to the working world. Just a little at first, she has been off 9 months and even a little work for her is very tiring. It is surprising to see just how much it takes it out of her. This means the world has suddenly reopened for her. It is no longer staring at the 4 walls at home or the hospital or her doctors surgery, it's taking the kids to school and picking them up, it's tea at her desk and gossip with Gaynor, it's being back in the world of people not just patients (a strange thing to say as she works in a doctors surgery).

This is a huge milestone in a never ending journey. The big C will always be in the back ground but it will just be a gentle noise from now on (I hope), a bit of static on a TV, a crackle on a record. Life has restarted. It's not the end of the story but the band are taking a well earned rest.

So what has changed in these last 9 months? Well I don't think we will ever be the same again although I am not sure how much we have changed. Most people who have been through these things begin to live for the day, we have never managed to live more than 5 days ahead of ourselves. Perhaps we are a little more impulsive than we were and yet slightly more cautious. Living for the moment but making sure the medication is taken on time.

I have been on a roller coaster of worry fear and elation, not necessarily in that order or in equal measures. On my my worst days in the early stages of the disease I was driven to distraction by worry. To see the person you love in so much pain is not something I would recommend to anyone. It is natural to want to be caring and supportive but when the best and the only thing you can do is to suggest that the other person goes to bed you know that you have reached the depths. And then it begins to get better, a smile here a laugh there, a kiss and a cuddle and you know it will all be good in the end.

So there it is, the reason I was writing my blog may have come to end. Am I living in a house of cancer or am I living in a house of joy? Is it recovery time?

I am no longer sure I have a tale to tell about living with a god awful disease. I am sure our lives will have ups and downs in the future but this blog is not the right place to record them. This is/was my special blog about cancer and I think it's time to end it.


Chris xx

Hellys

No Hellys is not a bad week at work but the Cornish name for Helston where we have just spent a brilliant week, chilling. This is the first time we have managed to get away since early last year. Not all the family went, just us two and the boys. Livi had to work and anyway would any 18 year old girl seriously want to spend a whole week with us? I expect our house was partyville the whole time we were away.

We stayed in Tracey's mum and dad's house while they were away on a cruise. It was very relaxing, which is not to say we didn't do anything, we got out whenever we could, but we were, on at least one occasion, beaten by the Cornish weather. It was a lovely half term.

Things I have learnt.

• you can still get up in the morning even if you don't set your alarm
• Cricket in the the morning is better than Breakfast Time but not as good as Heir Hunters
• When out on a walk you are always more than 1 mile away from a toilet
• things that I think look like a good toilet may look like a tree to other people
• Having a Cornish pasty and a Cream tea are traditional and nice, but if you are really hungry you need a KFC
• No bed is better or more comfortable than the one you have at home

Oh and finally

• Cornwall is always wetter than you think it will be, but then the sun comes out and everything is better.

I won't spend too long talking about it as I have loads of pictures, but there were a few highlights.

Walks:

The walk along the beach at Long Rock by Marazion is always a treat, lots of wind surfers, the trains and St Michaels Mount. Stone skimming and people watching the order of the day. As usual it finished with a complete soaking for us. Sadly no pictures.

The longest walk was the walk to Loe bar from Hellys which ended up as a walk to Porthleven followed by a cream tea and a bus back to the car. The start of the walk was very wet but as soon as we got on the tarmac track it was much better. Much moaning from the boys but me and Trace were going for it. 2-3 miles in to the walk and Trace needed the toilet but we couldn't find anywhere so we ploughed on to the beach at Loe bar. Both Loe pool and Loe bar are very beautiful, you can hear the sea from a great distance away, it creeps up on you with every twist and turn of the path. Me and Adam skimmed stones, again. When we got up to go, it was quicker to walk to a toilet in Porthleven than head back to Helston. So we walked on and found a teashop (Naughty but Ice) and Tracey was a very relieved person. One very expensive bus ride later and we were home.



mud



The chuckle brothers





Happiness




Loe pool



Double assault




The monkey bar kid



skimming at Loe pool




Porthleven

 




Then there were the the places. We visited Glendurgan Gardens, Porthleven and Coverack.

Glendurgan is a beautiful National Trust garden that winds down a valley to the sea, on the Helford river. It is hard to describe just how beautiful it is down there. We have been many times before but are always drawn back. This time the azaleas were out splashing colour all over the hillside. And of course there is the Maze. Down the bottom of the valley is another perfect place for stone skimming and rock pooling (beginning to sound like a Cornish tourist authority brochure). The peace was only enhanced by Vaughan not talking to anyone for half the journey. We fell out on the way down the valley and only started talking again once we got back to the cafe.



Azalea




Dafs




During happy times




Knackered on the rocks




a-mazing

 Then there was Porthleven, always one of our favourite places. We visited just at sunset (actually I was looking for a place to fish, but we never got round to it). The waves were crashing in and the surfers were, well surfing. We watched them for ages. You would think the the surfers would be the people in most danger there. However although the pier is chained off for safety reasons, families know best and were still walking to the end. While we watched a man and his dog, who were walking the pier with his wife and son, were washed off their feet by a large wave and nearly toppled over the other side of the pier in to the water. Prat.

Sunset

A crashing wave and a mad family

Coverack was our final day. We spent it waiting for the England - France rugby game. Then the sun came out. This place is unbeatable in the sun and the Lizard penisula is my favourite bit of all. A short walk but glorious.

And that was that, If you discount the reading, a day in Truro, cd's by the Secret Sisters and Sugarland (you and me baby, stuck like glue), and a detective game which we all let Tracey win. A very good week.

And finally, have I mentioned my wife's CT scan was clear.............

Clear.......................................

Clear.

This is the best news of all. File under delighted.

Talk soon

Chris x



Big Ted

I had one of my moments today, a really big one. Ah he's forgotten someones name, a birthday or his wedding anniversary, you are all thinking. A good guess because I am sure I have forgotten most of those things in my time. It took me a good few years to get Tracey's birthday fixed in my mind and she is able even now to make me go cold by throwing out a plausible but incorrect date. Names, well don't even bother telling me because it just doesn't stick, in it goes, out it comes. I am the one that you see staring at women's chests at conferences, because I can't remember their names, for no other reason than that (and that's my story and I am sticking to it). As for wedding anniversaries, well I pulled a trick there, we got married on North Petherton Carnival day, 7th November, I always remember that one.

No it was for none of the above, today Livi made my heart beat with a pride that only parents can understand. Let me explain.

Most of you will remember from previous blogs that my daughter, off her own back, did some charity fund raising for the RUH in Bath. She raised a huge amount of money. Due to bad weather and other unforeseen circumstances chances to hand this money over had been missed. Well today I took my daughter in to the hospital with me to meet the local fund raising people and to hand over the money. As an added bonus I was able to bring some money that my workmates had raised as part of our annual Christmas draw. Between us we had £792, that is £672 from Olivia's efforts and £120 from me (yes I claim it!). Olivia's money has gone towards the Breast unit and mine (for yes it is now mine) has gone towards a new Gamma ray camera for Oncology which I believe is used for internal body imaging and importantly for the people who raised it is used on both males and females. (Yes I know both men and women can get breast cancer but it is usually seen as a women thing.)

We sat down and talked with Jo from the Forever Friends appeal. She seemed genuinely impressed with how Olivia had gone about her business, how she had set it all up, cajoled shop keepers in to providing prizes, nagged her friends in to helping and raised such a large amount in such a short time. And all the while, with an ever widening grin I was thinking, that's my little girl that is. Perhaps the next stage for Livi is event organising, anybody need a garden party planned?

So there we are the chat is over and we are ready for the pictures. "Would you like your pictures taken with Big Ted?" That seemed like a photo opportunity not to be missed so I said yes, imagine my surprise when this huge Teddy bear walked in to the room and my even bigger surprise when my big scary 18 year old daughter said "daddy I don't like it" and moved behind me. Remember this is someone on an animal management course. Big scary, hairy spider - Yes! Lady in a big Ted outfit - Run for your life! Anyway publicity pictures must be taken so here we are.

Can you see the fear in her eyes? Notice which one of us is getting a big cuddle and which one is ready to run. So there we are, perhaps we will start a little more fundraising at some point in the future.

Of course it's not just my baby girl who can set my heart pounding. Adam has taken part in a video with a couple of friends from school. He acts his little heart out all the way through and it plays to his strengths. The video is very competently made and has now been widely shown to his year group. Another great Tinsley moment. And we have a copy. Other copies available for the usual fee.

I don't want Vaughan to miss out this family love-in but it has been a bit of an uneventful week for him. Next time I shall tell you about his hat trick of tries against as of yet unnamed opponents.

I have another important development in Tinsley life. This week was of course Tracey's CT scan. This great event took place on Valentines day at 7pm. The hospital room was full of people drinking lots of fluid. We had to get there 45 minutes before the scan and Tracey drunk lots of water. After being butchered yet again when putting a cannula in her arm the scan was done, we await the results.

I took the day off and we shopped, at last we managed to get a good jacket for Tracey, lots of walks are now lined up. After our shop we went to a restaurant called Made by Bob for lunch. The food was very good,  Tracey had rib eye steak and I had stewed cuttlefish and yes it was wonderful.

Finally I have taken a few pictures of Tracey's new hair, I just want to show you all how beautiful she looks. 

Well that's all for now.

Chris xx

Did you happen to see......

Firstly let me say, sorry all you women out there but my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, always has been, always will be. She has a smile that fills any room and eyes that light the darkest night. What she has been through has been awful for her, but she is still the heart and soul of my family. I want her to be with me always.

So we have had radio 20 (wonderful radio Finland (fin - end geddit). That is the last part of Tracey's hospital treatment, the end of the beginning. Only 5 years (or more) of hormone treatment to go. So aside from the occasional RUH visit , yearly mammogram, CT scan, no more visits. This is a good moment and time to celebrate, just a little bit.

Well Tracey aside the family has has been OK lately. The usual dramas surround Olivia, friends and illness. A bit of tonsillitis, relationship problems, not hers. Using the house like a hotel. She seems to be OK now. When will she grow out of this phase?   

Vaughan's team lost the match at Marlborough, badly although they played much better than the 42 - 0 score. Interestingly not only did they have a Marco and a Dexter playing for them they also had a Charlton (and we passed someone with a dog called Monty). We parked behind and in between rows of Mercedes and a lovely band new Jaguar. Fortunately today Corsham beat Devizes 29 - 12 in a very closely fought match so all is well in our world.

Adam went to the theatre this week as part of his drama course to see a performance based on a sort of grown up Sesame Street. He seemed to enjoy it.

We spent yesterday shopping in Bath, Adam has 2 new pairs of shoes, Vaughan and me have a new coat each. Tracey bought nothing. We had a huge row in the centre of Bath which was fixed by Vaughan, he is a good man.

Well just a shot one for the moment.

Chris xx

Me posh!

Well it's an exciting weekend ahead, today we are childless for the afternoon, a rare event. We are now planning where to go. Adam stayed the night with a friend and is in Bath today and Vaughan is going to watch the Rugby in Bath this afternoon with one of his friends. Livi is working, but she doesn't count as she will be out the door and off in the car (using my petrol!) as soon as she gets home. We drop Vaughan off at 1 and will be looking for somewhere to go in the north of the county straight afterwards. Dyrham park might be nice. Tomorrow it's rugby at Marlborough, more on that later.

Another quiet week (for me). Radio therapy ends next week which means the end of the regular visits to the RUH. Tracey becomes a pills only patient. This is a big milestone, our visits started last June and have occurred with monotonous regularity ever since. I for one won't miss the place and of course we will be returning again and again and again. Tracey is on Radio 17 Wonderful radio Kazakhstan (one just for you Trace). I don't know what Trace will be doing with her weeks but she needs some time for her after all this.

That aside we have been quite busy, we had a lovely, therapeutic stroll around Stourhead, there can be few better places to trundle around on a winters afternoon. We took a bucket full of pictures. The walk was just the right length, not too muddy and just distracting enough.

So back to the rugby. Marlborough as you might guess is very posh. The town itself is full of coffee shops and tourists and is dominated by the school. I naturally feel like a peasant whenever I go there, which is no bad thing because that is what I am. If I ever begin to feel at home with these people it's time to give it all up. The rugby pitch is on the edge of the town, on the top of a hill, exposed to the elements. The pitch is awful and the clubhouse is a long way from the pitch. We have played them a few times before. Last time we played Vaughan said to me that they were very posh " they've got a Dexter and a Marco playing for them". I took a few moments to think about this. Vaughan plays for "working class" Corsham. On the present team sheet there are 2 Tristan's, a Zach, a Leo, a Louis and an Alistair, not to mention a Will and Harry, Ross and Taylor aren't playing and have I mentioned Vaughan? A fine set of working class names. Now I could be wrong of course, I played rugby with a Clarence, but he was a farmers son who the last time I heard was a milkman. I suppose posh is whatever you think it is.

Incidently between writing the opening and this paragraph we managed to have a very cold walk around Holt. Lovely!

Finally 2 pictures, one from Vaughan one from me. We are having a bit of a boys competition here. Vaughan is convinced he took the best photo, I disagree. If you have time could you please vote on the best Robin photo, there is a poll on the right of the blog for you to use.

  

Picture 1

Picture 2

Cheers
Chris x

After years appart

Things have been very quiet for me on the treatment front lately. Of course I am not the one being treated, but you know what I mean, I am not involved with radio therapy so I have lost my connection with Tracey's treatment. I'm starting to think she hasn't really been ill. That is obviously rubbish, but I have spent many years talking rubbish. I don't miss the trip to the RUH but I do miss taking part in the treatment in whatever small way possible. The only taking part I have managed is one attempt at applying cream to the irradiated area, but I think I am just a bit too heavy handed.

So we have been moving on, I do the kids in the morning, drop off at Corsham, drop off at Lackham, get to work after 9:00, leave late. Tracey does the afternoon, RUH for 13:00, pick up kids from Corsham, pick up from Lackham, get home and crash. It's different but it works at the moment. Trace is on radio 12 (Wonderful radio Slovenia) so is over halfway through this stage of her treatment. 

This then is mainly why I haven't blogged for a while, nothing to report.

Well not nothing, Vaughan has scored his first try for Corsham, against Bradford on Avon. Yes it was a tough local derby. Sadly we were watching from the bottom left hand corner of the pitch and the try was scored in the top right. We only knew it was him when they all started shaking his hand (and they were also 50 points down at the time). Nevertheless it was great for us both to be there to see it and it was hard to wipe the smile off his face for a few days.

Also I have managed to be ill, had a couple of days off work. I had not been feeling well for a while. I had a complete loss of my positivity, become a miserable bugger. How would you know the difference I hear you ask. On Tuesday morning I woke up with a start to the alarm bleeping. Unfortunately I had been lying funny on both my arms and had lost feeling in my fingers so I couldn't feel the buttons on my clock and struggled to turn it off. After bashing it for a while till it went silent I realised I was having trouble clearing my bleary eyes. It was only when I went to the toilet and turned the light on that I was in the middle of an ocular migraine, there was an arc of pretty kaleidoscope colours across my vision. If you have ever suffered from one of these you will know that you just carry on and they go in about half an hour. Unfortunately they leave me feeling washed out. So I waited and then did the kid run once the eyes had settled, by the time I got home I was totally washed out so phoned work and went back to bed till midday. I feel much better now, perhaps I was building up to this.

Finally it has been a good week on the friend side. After around 20 years I finally got in touch with an old good friend of mine, Graham. Graham became a friend of mine through an old girlfriend though we really became friends in the middle of a tackle on the football field. Graham was a big lad, we were in the process of forming a football team for a local pub and he was showing off his skills by fending off a few of the other regulars who were frightened to tackle him. I had been playing rugby for years, although I was not the bravest rugby player, I got a bit fed up with the messing about and hit him really hard with a tackle. He started laughing in mid air and on the way back to ground and a great friendship really began. He was an usher at our wedding. Together we drank away my mid 20's in a frenzy of fun and vomit. But not in a bad way. But then we drifted apart, suddenly. I went to Plymouth he ended up in Weston-super-mare. Recently I found him on Facebook, exchanged a few emails and finally got to talk on Wednesday night. He sounds like he hasn't changed, moved on yes but not changed. I'm sure I will get round to seeing him at some point.

Well that's the end for today.

Chris x

Wonderful Radio One

I thought up my snappy little title while I was waiting for Tracey to finish her radio therapy, which is a shame as this blog is mostly not going to be about it. The problem was that I took a day off for Tracey's first treatment just to see what it was like. It's not like chemo, I can't sit next to her and witter away aimlessly, I have to sit and wait, in the waiting room (good name for it I hear you say). When Tracey was called away for treatment I just sat down and waited, and waited, and waited. I was reading a christmas present, a book about my beloved Somerset cricket club, then decided to listen to some sounds on my Ipod. Imagine my surprise when I was woken up with a start by the sound of my own snoring. I quickly changed to playing games on the Ipod until Tracey came out of her treatment. That was that over, uneventful for me but I know she has a full account on her blog.

My real concern this week has been the demise of our upstairs cistern. I like to think it was broken by one of our children, Adam I believe. I am not a handyman, not in the slightest. I can do nails and hammering, I can fix computers, I can't do water closets. I have the flushing bits that have been broken, I have a manual for the mechanism. I have visited B&Q, Focus, Wickes and even the Plumb Stop. Plumb Stop was quite revealing, an intake of air through the front teeth and the immortal words "I've not seen one of these before".

My only option was to visit the local shop I bought it from, Melksham's Bathroom and Tile centre. The only problem was that it's a one man and his dog firm, meaning that they weren't open over Christmas or the new year. All this time we have had to remove the cistern lid and manually lift the mechanism to get the flush to work.

Today though was the day. I proudly walked through Melksham with the damaged part in one hand  and the manual in the other. I don't know about you, but these shops do intimidate me. I only want a couple of bits of plastic so I can join the mechanism back together, but that still doesn't stop me feeling like an 8 year old as I enter the shop (no I mean in age, not in any other way!). I should have known what was coming. "I've not seen one of these before". When I point out it was bought from his shop he starts to look at the manual. "Very good make these" slight change of tune from him, not entirely unexpected. "Do you know what model it is?". "Yeah it's a 1970 Ford Capri 3000, the one with the speed bump in the bonnet" I thought. Actually what I really thought was "It's a bloody toilet, I stand up and look down in to it, I sit on it. It's somewhere to think, it's somewhere quiet to read the Sunday papers" I have no idea what make it is or what difference that makes to the flushing mechanism. "It would have been a great help if you had a picture of it" he said. Funny that, forgot to bring the picture portfolio.

Anyway at the end of a very useful conversation it was decided, by him I think, that the best thing to do would be to ring the distributors direct and get them to supply me, the logic being that if he did it he would charge me extra for the phone calls etc. Part of me wanted desperately to say "Can you do it please mister" but I think I agreed,  left the shop and trudged home.

When I arrived home, still grasping my broken mechanism and my manual I decided the thing to do was to ring the supplier without delay. So I looked up their website and spent the next half hour looking to see if I could find the spare parts needed by myself. Eventually, realising I was well beyond my considerable intellect, I girded my loins and rung. Tina from Birmingham answered the phone. I explained my situation, "What model is it love" by this time I had looked again at the cistern and found a name "It's an Impulse, please can you help me"I said. " I'll just have a look at the manual" she said with a ruffle of pages. We compared manuals for a moment. "It would help a lot if you had a picture of the unit". What is it with these people and pictures. Anyway to cut along story short, I took a series of pictures of my toilet and sent it to a stranger in Birmingham hoping that she will be able to supply me with the parts I need. And if you don't believe me here are a couple of the photos.

I now have a folderin my computer picture library entitled Toilet.

I hope to be able to complete this transaction in a few days.



Cistern





Broken bit

 Finally I am pleased to say that the decs are down and the festivities are officially over in the house.

And on that note I shall say goodbye

Chris x