Those of you with very long memories and a certain taste in music will recognise the title of this as coming from a song by Genesis, a truly 1970's song that went on and on and (and on) and I still love every minute of it. But eventually it had to come to an end. A long drawn out finale with the occasional false ending and one or two false re-starts. This is my 50th blog and might be my last as everything comes to a natural end. Let me explain.
The good and only news, Tracey has returned to work. It was last Monday and she has started her slow integration back in to the working world. Just a little at first, she has been off 9 months and even a little work for her is very tiring. It is surprising to see just how much it takes it out of her. This means the world has suddenly reopened for her. It is no longer staring at the 4 walls at home or the hospital or her doctors surgery, it's taking the kids to school and picking them up, it's tea at her desk and gossip with Gaynor, it's being back in the world of people not just patients (a strange thing to say as she works in a doctors surgery).
This is a huge milestone in a never ending journey. The big C will always be in the back ground but it will just be a gentle noise from now on (I hope), a bit of static on a TV, a crackle on a record. Life has restarted. It's not the end of the story but the band are taking a well earned rest.
So what has changed in these last 9 months? Well I don't think we will ever be the same again although I am not sure how much we have changed. Most people who have been through these things begin to live for the day, we have never managed to live more than 5 days ahead of ourselves. Perhaps we are a little more impulsive than we were and yet slightly more cautious. Living for the moment but making sure the medication is taken on time.
I have been on a roller coaster of worry fear and elation, not necessarily in that order or in equal measures. On my my worst days in the early stages of the disease I was driven to distraction by worry. To see the person you love in so much pain is not something I would recommend to anyone. It is natural to want to be caring and supportive but when the best and the only thing you can do is to suggest that the other person goes to bed you know that you have reached the depths. And then it begins to get better, a smile here a laugh there, a kiss and a cuddle and you know it will all be good in the end.
So there it is, the reason I was writing my blog may have come to end. Am I living in a house of cancer or am I living in a house of joy? Is it recovery time?
I am no longer sure I have a tale to tell about living with a god awful disease. I am sure our lives will have ups and downs in the future but this blog is not the right place to record them. This is/was my special blog about cancer and I think it's time to end it.
Chris xx
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