Snore, snore, quick, quick snore

Is there any better way to get the whole bed to yourself than snoring very loudly? I've tried stealing my wife's duvet (see Tracey's blog), we have one each, that didn't work. But a good regular rasp in the nasal department seems to work every time. Mind you I think I just got lucky last night, Tracey must be mellowing. There was a time when I would have been thrown out of the bedroom with my testicles tied round my neck just for breathing a bit heavily. If it continues I may have to camp out in the dining room.

Seriously though if anyone has a good cure for the old snore tell me. At the mo I am using a throat spray but seem to have over powered it. If I am not careful I might have to diet!

Well it's another day since I wrote those last 2 paragraphs, sometimes you have nothing to say and sometimes you are too busy to say anything. At the moment I'm grabbing a little time while I am making tea to just get back in to this. Not that I am over busy it's just that things are chaotic, in an understated way. Always little things to do.

Of course last night was dominated by Somerset's overwhelming victory against Northants in the T20 quarter finals. A certain victory at the Rosebowl beckons, how I love the boys.

Well today was Oncology day and I know that Tracey is writing about it. It is mainly (wholly and completely) about her, so I will leave her to give you details. The main thing for me and the kids is that the treatment will soon move on and I will be living with a baldy, baldy skinhead, Grant Mitchell look-alike and I will love her even more. Bandannas to the ready, no not bananas that would be stupid. It seems like we have been waiting for chemo for ages and we still have another 3 weeks to go.

On the children front Livi is putting a supreme effort in to fund raising, sometimes she shocks me with the things she does and then she just astounds me. Watch this space for any one of you who wants to join in with the fun she is arranging.

Vaughan and Adam continue to do boy stuff. Adam has been out with friends for most of the day. Don't know what they do. Vaughan has been catching up on his recorded shows, all WW1 stuff. He is just starting to think about getting back in to rugby training.

Well I continue my therapeutic walks and photography. today I give you another type of dragonfly, not the best picture as he wouldn't stay still. I also give you a few other prize photos from my collection. There is a bit of a wildlife theme going on here. This dragonfly is a bit redder than it looks in the photo and remains unidentified. 

The next few photos are of 2 butterflies and a sparrow hiding in out Sambuccus tree, can you spot her.

The final photo is a very artistic shot of the moon, whoooo one for all you hippies out there.

Well it's much later than when I started this, Toots and the Maytalls have finished singing for me and Olivia is watching Road War "Dats what you get when give some lip to a Traffic cop". Lee Boardman, best ever Corrie villain, worst cop show narrator. There is washing on and I want to have a proper sit down before bed.

Chris

There are times you need to take stock. We have been going through this thing for about a 6 weeks now and have reached some sort of lull, I have talked about it previously. Tracey is out with some friends tonight and I am trying to gather my thoughts and think about how we really are.

My initial "madness" has subsided. I am still worried but this is over shadowed slightly by how I am perceiving Tracey's recovery. She is recovering from the operation and I can't help feeling that she is getting better. That is a good thing, but of course chemo hangs over everything. The road to recovery is long (I know, with many a winding turn).

The Tinsley house is chaotic but functioning. The kids are helping as only they can, but hardly enough to be useful, hopefully when they are home with mum they will do more. They need a hard task master and that isn't me. I am driving them to and from school, doing the shopping,the cooking and the washing. I am continually tired, mainly because I am not used to hard work. My work are still being understanding and work will get easier from next week when the kids are on holiday.

The two things that have really helped me are doing this blog and the pictures that go with it. Tracey has informed me that I am "bloody obsessed" with it. She is wrong, but don't tell her. It's good to get some thoughts out on the page although some are better hidden away.

Anyway, what's been happening. Well Tracey has been getting many visits. Auntie Mary visited yesterday. We haven't seen her for a while and it's good to see her soldiering on. She had just driven from London and was meeting friends in Bath before going with them to Ireland. She still possesses her acerbic wit. And Tracey has been receiving lots of visits fom work and friends. Only 3 bunches of flowers at the moment and we've eaten all the chocs.

This evening Livi tried to kill me during her driving lesson. Lets just say the Range Rover had right of way and our little Micra would have been munched



My cousin Lyn visited on Tuesday night and I made tea. A bit of a disaster on the spag bol front. I didn't know it was possible to get it wrong. But we had a good chat and cakes from Markses. One interesting point from the evening, Lyns mum surname was cable and her grandad looked just like Vince Cable. Are they related, watch this space.

Finally I took the camera out today so I have some more pics. Also I include a few more from the carnival as I have been told I was horrible about it.

x

Chris

Carnival,apron strings and random violence

It was an eventful day on Saturday. When Melksham carnival comes to town everyone knows it. Even though, as a North Petherton/Bridgwater person I may scoff at the efforts of the Melksham crew (which is a bit rich coming from someone who has only ever been on float at Swindon carnival) they do spend a lot of time and effort to produce what is essentially a local display. I suppose I just expect more. I shall give you an example.

Melksham Float

Bridgwater Cart

Need I say more.

The procession passed off incident free, unless I include the dog who decided to crap right in front of us and our house. At least the owner managed to clear it up (mostly).

It was really a bit of a day. We decided to loosen the apron strings a bit. Normally for Carnival/Party in the park we watch it together and go to the park with boys afterwards. They go off and do their thing but at least we are around. Livi has done her own thing for years. This time Tracey simply didn't want to go, it was a little bit too much for her, so we let the boys go on their own. Oh how those apron strings tugged. So off they went, Adam came back for the carnival but we did not expect to see them again till after the fireworks at 10:00.

At about 10:30 we got a text from Vaughan " I've been assaulted" panic! Tracey phoned "What happened? Stay where you are, dad will come and get you". I won't go in to too much detail but it seems that as Vaughan was leaving the park with his his friends some nice young man accused him of being a paedophile because he was talking with his, smaller, brother. Vaughan turned away somebody shouted "t**t him" and he ended up being rugby tackled and somebody stood over him and punched him until his friend Ely knocked him away and then it was all over. A quick chat to the police and I picked him up, bringing him back for his interrogation from mum. It was over almost before it had started. Not much damage done, a few back of the head bruises and just a bit shaken up. I am pleased he walked away and didn't make it much, much worse.

I suppose this is just typical small town violence and nothing compared to what would have happened if either Tracey or Livi had got hold of the perpetrators. What is also funny is that we already have a good idea who was responsible. No word from the police but the local jungle drums have come up with an id for one of the attackers, the one who hit him. Not sure how that helps but it is nice to put a face to the prat. We shall see if anything else develops.

In a strange way it is good to concentrate on something not cancer, but it isn't long before it comes back, Tracey has a date for her first Oncology clinic 28 July and had a very good draining session today. Her body already seems to have compensated for its loss so she may not need to go again, the fewer times we visit the RUH the better.

Chris xx

Oh don't start the carnival

It is difficult to explain the calm that has come over the house. Today is Melksham carnival and Party in the park. All the children are out, Tracey is relaxing and I have some time to do this, bliss! For my local friends I am really looking forward to a good carnival today and hope it will be an improvement on last years fine affair. For my Bridgwater friends what a piddling little carnival it is, over in 10 minutes and all the floats total rubbish, I can't wait for Pethy carnival in November. 

Although we normally go to party in the park we shall be giving it a miss tonight, the people, the jostling, the standing up is all a bit too much at the moment. I might be called in to action to go and rescue kids if they need it.

Well Tracey has her date for the first visit to the Oncologist 28th July, I am hoping we will then get some sort of diary for the future, the real pain has always been not knowing how the treatment will pan out. Tracey has included all the details on her blog so I won't bore you here

The last few days have been quiet we have managed a couple of walks (more about that later) and the kids have been their usual selves. The house retains it's usual level of sanity bordering on chaos and sanitary bordering on filthy. I think that those of us without a painful scar are beginning to think everything is Ok, I realise just how wrong that is and that we have plenty more to go through yet. But at least I am feeling positive.

Work has been going well, I am conscious of trying to pull my weight while this goes on around me. It is very difficult to take some security issues seriously and yet I know that they are serious and need the serious treatment. My little team are a wonderful bunch, a bit too testosterone dependent, a bit too male at times but always funny, supportive and willing to put you down when you are feeling far too sorry for yourself.

I had lunch on Friday with Michele and Julie at the cafe in Southwick park. I am beginning to really love the park. Dinner was lovely but what was better was the chat, Michele as enthusiastic as ever despite recent setbacks and Julie, dry, cynical and funny as hell. I'm glad Miche persuaded me to have these lunches.

I managed to get my old dear out for a walk last night and we decided to go along the canal east of the Barge Inn towards Devizes. It was a lovely walk punctuated by me taking irritating pictures. You can tell Tracey is feeling better as she commented on the posed picture of her on a bridge.

I suppose we all get a little bit fed up when some idiot keeps bringing the camera out. It was a good walk till the midges came out, then there was panic and a rush home.

So today is another day, washing, shopping, looking after the kids I'm beginning to feel like a housewife. I think I shall get the camera out later.

Chris xx

A northern hurricane, the land of talk and painted toenails

Nothing quite prepares you for a visit from Susie and Mary. It is just like, I would imagine, being hit by a hurricane. We had lots of notice, we cleared up, we moved the furniture to the edge of the room. Livi was home with boyfriend Sam (he was in for a shock) and we waited. We thought they might be a bit late as they were following directions and we knew they would not be with us for long. And then we got the call, directions were given and suddenly they were with us.

" How are you love?" Give us a kiss" "Where's the toilet?" 30 seconds gone, lots of hugs and the kettles on. Thelma and Louise have arrived, although perhaps we are talking about a female version of the Chuckle brothers. Toilet done and it's an ear assault. Mary is Tracey's mum's friend and Susie is her daughter. Mary is a bit deaf and Susie never(no never) stops talking. "Me mums (I'll spare Mary the age thing) ..and its like looking after a big kid". "I'm 40 years old, I never thought I'd make it". Susie has me Tracey pinned in the kitchen with tales of driving, partners, mobile phones and mothers. Meanwhile Mary is with Olivia and Sam looking at all our photos, reminiscing about previous visits and looking for something to iron. Nobody else can manage a word. They are both the most positive, life affirming, gorgeous people you can imagine. It's all over far too quickly. Come back soon.

The rest of the day and indeed the last few days have been pretty uneventful. The usual teen dramas "Where are my pink wellies, I left them here after camping at Easter" that was 20 minutes before starting work placement on Monday. They had been thrown out and I managed to find her another pair. " Mum, Dad I have to have a 17th century butlers outfit for a French play I am doing on Wednesday" this was Sunday so plenty of notice there. Eventually he did the play in a suit.

We also had a visit from a pair of people from the land of talk, Sue and Tony. I had met them in Sainsbury's and told them Trace was ok to visit. By the time I got home they were there and we listened and listened and listened. Sue has been a very good friend of the Tinsley family, in fact I doubt we would be in Melksham if it wasn't for her help. She has a huge heart and it is lovely to see her so happy with Tony. Anyway we listened to tales about people I don't think I know. Sometimes its good to listen.

Well it's been creeping up on me for a few days now. Finally I had to paint Tracey's toenails. I have done this before, when she broke her elbow last year and now it had to be done again. I should have washed them first.

And in all their glory

So there we are another few days of Tinsley life. I can manage to talk about without mentioning the C word. Talking of which Tracey is looking for a name for her cancer, I have suggested Maggie as in Thatcher or Tony as in Blair. Any other good ideas.

Chris x

Alarms, Rabbits and Drama queens

Well it's been a few days since my last blog but if you don't have anything to say my advice is not to say it. We have been living a life of blissful normality. Tracey is obviously off work and my work is still a bit in and out but all has a veneer of normality, nearly. But things do happen.

I am at last sleeping well and my temper has improved, that is good particularly as a short, fat man in a bad mood just looks funny. I would like to think it looks imposing or threatening, but no, just funny verging on the pathetic. I need to lose some weight to add to the fear. May be I should try body building.

A side effect of sleeping well is that the alarm clock is now waking me up, which is a good thing, well it would be if we hadn't changed sleeping sides in bed. The reason for the change of sides was to place me on the opposite side to Tracey's scar, not because I don't want to see it, just to allow it to heal. This part is working well. Unfortunately on Friday my alarm shocked me awake, I turned towards the side it would have been on pre-op and proceeded to turn off the alarm using Tracey's face. A tweak of the nose does not turn off an alarm and it took me a little while to realise that the alarm was elsewhere. The surprising thing is Tracey does not remember it, she too is sleeping well. That was a narrow escape as I know only too well what would have been tweaked if she had properly woken.

Of course the main recent event in Tinsley life was the return of the drama queen, on a train from Newquay. We had been getting small snippets of drama all week via the telephone, but nothing can compare to full on Olivia. We had been prepared for everything the following evening when Olivia reported that she had stubbed her little toe and it "proper hurt". She couldn't walk, wouldn't be able to get to the station and didn't know how she would cope. She wasn't looking forward to train journey home. Any way she did manage to get the pub on her last night. So I was looking forward to picking her up from Chippenham.

I was slightly late for the train, about 5 minutes, and we had a short, sharp conversation about where we were going next, home or casualty, me and Sam lost and the next 3 hours were spent in Chippenham minor injury unit. Just so you can all join in the fun here is what it looks like.

Of course the real thing is was it worth it, how bad is she, is it in a splint, has she got crutches, will they amputate? Well I have evidence of how severe the injury is.

Now I was going to have this at full size, but I suspect that you can see how bad the injury is by looking at this picture. The upshot to all this is, no xray machine available at the weekend, even if there was treatment would be the same, just leave it, go home. Another 3 hours of my life gone.

The big drama of the day was rabbits. They had been left out over night and had dug an escape tunnel. This is not unusual and we normally catch them fairly easily. They are pretty tame and stupid (like the Liberal Democrats, told you I would get in a dig at some point). One rabbit was easy, he ran for cover in his hutch, a good move. The other one, however, has discovered evasive maneuvers on a par with Raoul Moate (have you noticed how topical I have become, self indulgence). We just couldn't catch him.

He remained out for the whole of the day, it was starting to get dark when Adam decided it was time to catch him. Anyway, as you might of guessed, I took a few photos.

The trap

The Rabbit

Cornered

The Hunter

The rabbit took refuge under the shed. Eventually we got him out and trapped him in his own poly tunnel. He is now under hutch arrest. Next we are going for big game, may be a cat or even a dog, all we have to do is buy one.

Well on to the final child of the family. He was out most of yesterday and camped all night behind Neston Rec. He rang at 6:50 this morning for a lift back home and is still in bed. He was cold and feeling a bit sick, was drink involved? I hope he enjoyed himself and I hope he suffers for it.

As you can see from all this Tinsley life is recovering from the initial cancer shock, I am about to take Trace for a walk to buy the newspapers and it is Lamb for dinner, can't wait.

Chris x

The long walk

While we are waiting for chemo to start I have been looking at ways of filling my days. It's really the quiet bits, when you don't want to talk that are the problem. As I have said before I get a lot of these at work and I just walk out for a few minutes,problem over. Lunch time is a bit more difficult, 1 hour of not wanting to talk so I have taken to walking, listening to the Ipod and taking pictures. The walking is doing me some good. I am still very tired though and just want to sleep the day away.

Enough of me for a minute. David left today, he was able to drag Trace out for a bit and I shall try and keep that up. His visit was very different from Brenda's but still fun and gave me a chance to talk again (didn't take long to get back to me). Although I sometimes scoff at his northern homilies he does occasionally talk sense and I am more grateful than I let on for it.

I am not usually one to talk about sleeping arrangements but we now have separate duvet's in our superking sized bed, this means less fighting for the covers. They are only 4.5 tog so its cool nights all round. A great success.

And while we are talking about successes the Iphone charger has been found. There is a tale to tell, when Tracey went to hospital we discovered that although we were allowed the phone the charger could not be used as it was not PAT tested. So the charger was the (apparently) taken by me and subsequently lost as it was nowhere to be seen when Tracey got out. Well a week and half later it turns up in someones makeup bag. I am still waiting for the sorry.

Anyway back in to my head, I think I have returned to denial. I suppose it's the wait between treatments. When I look at my Trace she hasn't changed. OK one boob may be at a slightly jauntier angle than the other (thank you Frances) or she might be in her PJ's at 7:00 but she is still as she was a month ago, a year ago and she sounds much more positive, but I know that this is just a bit of respite until the next dose of treatment. It is probably a good time to sort the finances. I am not good at using my free time well, I have to learn.

Any way a real treat for you all. Today's photo's , if these are the best ones you should have seen the ones I got rid of. All from Southwick Park.

The first picture is the best, the dragonfly was laying eggs at the edge of the pond. They are Broad Chasers.

Anyway enough for today.

Bye Chris x

Clinic visit

Another day and another visit to the hospital, but a very important one as it is the first since the op. I know Tracey will have given you all the details on her blog, but I thought I would give you my view just as a contrast. I haven't read hers yet so it will be interesting to see how they compare.

Of course life goes on so it's up early and send the kids off to school. Not too good a night sleep but not bad enough to make me an ogre. David is here so he transports them to school, all I have to do is a bit of ironing and make sure that they are ready on time. Not even any sandwiches for me as I am having half a day.  Soon be the summer holidays, no more school run.

Got to work roughly on time. Not an easy day for me today, minds not on work, mind is anywhere but work. Look at the screen, think a little, talk to Mike in my office, push a bit of paper up and down the desk, back to the screen, must be time for tea. And so it goes on. I walk out of the back door for a little Chrissie time and end up talking to a colleague for 20 mins, this one was a listener so it was ok.

Back in to work and then a success, a fire alarm. That means 20 minutes standing at the front of County Hall talking to my friends, an excellent thing to do in the hot weather. Sometimes you wonder what half the people in County Hall do and then you think they are wondering the same about me. It is a large organisation, unwieldy and slow but it does work.

By this time I realise that there is nothing useful I can do anymore at work so I decide to go home. So I throw some abuse and leave.

Home is sort of a haven, a friendly place with no difficult questions. When I get home David and Tracey are talking, also Tracey has received more flowers, again I feel the love and just to make the love complete an old colleague of Tracey's, Annie, arrives by surprise and brings even more flowers. Annie has retired and now lives in Taunton and was born in Watchet so she knows all the places I know and Tracey loves her to bits. Its only a short visit but a very entertaining one.

As a slight aside I have a few flower pictures. I apologise to people whose flowers I have not included but I only just thought about showing them. Some of the photo quality isn't that good.

So there you, thank you Rita and Steve, Annie, Tina, our Bridgwater friends, Sharon, Gaynor, the Surgery, Lyn, Sue, Sue, Helen, mum and anybody I have missed.

Soon it was time to go, so we had lunch with David at Atworth, more ladies who lunch, and then to Bath. Although I panicked about the parking it was really very easy and in no time we were in the waiting room. As old hands we had bought something to read but was horrified to see a three and half hour wait. Luckily we were through very quickly as return customers.

The next half hour or so was hard to take in as first the surgeon who lacks people skills and the brilliant nurse Irene gave an account of what was found. I am not going to go through it as I am sure Tracey will have detailed it. Lets just say some good and some not so good.

What was interesting was that this was my first view of the scar. This isn't something that has worried me much and the scar is impressive but in no way horrible, it's just a scar. It looked much worse with the plasters on and not too bad with them off. If Tracey can live with it so can I. What was horrifying was the size of the needle that was approaching to drain off fluid from under the scar. I looked the other way as it was pushed in but was fascinated as 5 syringes of fluid were drained. A little plump pocket of flesh was deflated. This will be a regular thing for the next few weeks. And then that was that, a referral to the Oncology clinic and out. A drive through Bath and home. Another strange surreal experience.

Back home to children, a curry and football. Adam is in detention for not doing his RE homework. I think he gets it from his dad, Vaughan is supporting the Netherlands and me Uruguay. I lose.

And we slowly drift on till bedtime.

I know we have moved forward today but maybe a bit like a crab rather than a rabbit. In a few weeks we move on to phase 2.

Time for bed

(A final aside, yesterday's dragonfly is, I think, a Southern Hawker.) 

Chris x

Walks on the wild side

Yet another apology, apparently "I am not being brave, I am just getting on with it" and "it isn't my illness and your lack of sleep making you grumpy, you were a miserable git before my diagnoses". I think the patient is beginning to recover from her operation. Don't you just love northern women.

Well Tracey's mum left on Friday to a flood of tears, totally unexpected!! We have been left to our own devices for a few days before the next visitor, David, Tracey's dad arrives, which he did this afternoon. All of Bren's household procedures have been put in place, the washing up, cooking and cleaning are all being done to order and by the end of the weekend most of the procedures have been completely ignored. We are back to blissful disorder. A large slice of chaos is good for the Tinsley household (yes it is Brenda). I just wish someone would do the washing up without being shouted at.

Livi safely left on Saturday and is now in Newquay. I can report that I didn't get out of bed till 10:00 on Sunday which has made me feel a lot better. I spent both days of the weekend filling emptying and refilling the pool after a spectacularly bad attempt at levelling the ground resulted in a number of sharp stones under the pool hurting my feet and desperately needing to be removed. I really need to get Adam out for a father son thing as he is missing out on a lot of fun at the moment. Perhaps an aimless cycle is in order.

The question is, is sleep the cure to all of my anger. I think not, but it is a good start. I am still having problems with people, not the sort who sit down and listen too my stories. I love telling stories so those who listen are great. No it's the ones who want me to listen to their stories are the problem, IT'S MY TURN. The ones who bring me problems are also a nuisance. Of course the ones who bring me the most problems are at work. It's not their fault, problems are what I am there to deal with. It's just that they are an irritation. A pox on your problems I say. No wonder Chris is protecting me (a bit) from people at the moment.

One of the bonuses of this is that I have begun to take my lunch hour on my own, because I really don't want to talk to anyone. This is not meant to reflect badly on the people I normally lunch with, I just need some space during the day. Time to breathe. Anyway today I walked around Southwick country park in the beautiful sunshine, listening to my Ipod and, as a bonus managed to take a few pictures of the wildlife which I will share with you.

The first and best picture was of a huge dragonfly which landed on a bush in front of me.

I also managed to take a picture of a butterfly and some tadpoles (not together).

If anyone has a clue what type of dragonfly or butterfly they are I would be grateful to find out. I am particularly please that these were taken from my phone.

The walk and time spent away from people, up to a point does me lots of good, so may be next time I will bring the bigger and better camera. Expect bigger and better pictures.

Anyway as I said this has all made me feel a bit better about Tracey, me and life in general. You could say it has invigorated my soul, well you could if I wasn't an atheist. No soul in this boy, just lots and lots of love for my wife and family (and friends).

There is almost a sense of normality if it wasn't for the woman doing Morecambe and Wise imitations in front of the mirror and the next visit to the clinic hanging over us tomorrow. As I have said previously test, diagnose, treatment. We will always be waiting for one of those three.

So we move on, I know the sense of normality is temporary, but I am enjoying it while it lasts.

Chris x

Of course the thing is the anger, bottled up inside waiting to explode. It simmers away and eats at you. With every sleepless night it gets worse. It's caused by frustration which in itself is caused by helplessness and this is made worse by the afore mentioned lack of sleep. I should say now that I have had a good night's sleep last night so the anger has subsided. If you combine the anger with a series of events outside your control - bingo, explosion. Tick tock, tick tock -BANG.

I suppose the things which are furthest outside of my control are people, so they make me very angry, particularly the ones closest to me or the ones I interact with at work. I walk away from the anger at work, just leave the situation or I keep my head down, stare at the computer screen. Writing crap is always good for keeping the anger at bay, I'm in the right job.

My family feel the brunt of my anger at home, particularly Adam and Vaughan. I suppose Olivia would be feeling the same if she ever spent any time with us. My advice is, if you do intend to shout at anyone, shout at the ones who's income you control, men have been doing it for centuries and it works.

Tracey meanwhile continues to be brave. There are a few winces, a few complaints about the plasters and a few moans about the stockings, but not much more than that. We/she are living from day to day waiting for the next appointment and the next and the next.

In the old days I would have got rid of the frustration with a game of cricket, somewhere where I was in control, for at least some of the time. Or if it was winter, on the rugby or football field. I now try and rid myself of pain by working in the garden or house. This just sets me up for more problems as I am useless at gardening and decorating. If I was interested in or good at these things I would have become a gardener or a painter and decorator. I work with computers. Perhaps I should just try reading.

I should tell you about my day, I will try not to make it sound too similar to Tracey's blog. Up early, a good start to the day as I take Livi and Sam,her boyfriend, to an early train in Chippenham on the way to a holiday with Sam's family in Newquay. A bit of piece and quiet for the week. Back for a lazy lunch and then drop Vaughan with a friend for the day. That only left the three of us. I spent most of the day messing about, refilling the pool. I also took Tracey for a short walk along the canal. It was good to get her out.

I took out some frustration making kebabs for tea, god they took a long time 12 sticks for 3 of us. If only I enjoyed cooking.

Then there's the football,I can't believe Iv'e lost interest in it. Spain, Germany, Netherlands, Uruguay, some good matches but I just can't get in to. Can I blame the cancer for me losing interest in fooball? I think I should try, but in a manly way.

So there we are, another few days gone by. My initial mixed up emotions have been replaced by just anger eating away at me (perhaps I should chuck in a little residual guilt as well). I am no further forward.

Can't wait for tomorrow, I get my first lie in for ages.

Chris

Deep in the heart of Wiltshire

Well it is hot and I am locked in a room taking a break from homeworking to get this started. Family life goes on around me. Except that it is a very different family life than back in May, one that was changed forever in June when Tracey, my wife, was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Wherever I turn and whatever I do it is there. It's in the flowers in the kitchen, the cards in the sitting room, the looks on the kids faces and the concern on Tracey's mother's eyes. It's in the phone calls, texts and emails and the pain killers ready for consumption. It's in my head during every quiet moment and it's giving me a very short fuse. But worst of all it's in my gorgeous, caring, tired wife and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't stop it or treat it or cure it. All I can do is shout at it, quietly as I don't want to disturb her.

Why does it always happen to me, I hear myself think, but of course it isn't happening to me and that just makes me feel more guilty even though I know the cancer wasn't caused by me. I have the greatest capacity for feeling sorry for myself.

But first some facts. Tracey was diagnosed with breast cancer early on June and had her right breast removed on 24 June. Tracey started a blog http://traceytinsley.blogspot.com soon after diagnosis and I continued the blog during her time in hospital. If you want to keep up with Tracey read her blog. I found blogging a good way to release some of the things I was thinking. When she took her blog back I decided that I would write my story the view of someone living with a cancer sufferer.

I think the first thing that I worried about when starting this was tone, would I be too upbeat or too morose or just too shallow. who knows? I think the thing about the blog is that I am writing it for me, to get some of the things out of my head that are hard to say and to show everyone how cancer looks from the family/partner viewpoint.

So where do I start? I am not a stranger to cancer, My mother died from it and my brother is a survivor of bladder cancer. My mothers last illness was very drawn out and what hurts me most about it is that all my memories of her are of her in her last, very sick days. It not only took her away from me it took away the good memories too. Too Morose!

So I have views and experience of cancer. but my mothers cancer was 30 years ago, although it colours what I feel, things have changed, got better. Cure is now the norm and cure is what we will get. Back to upbeat.

I have been worried about Tracey's "lumps" for a while and was very glad when we went to the clinic. We always knew cancer was a possibility but we had been through this before in 2006 and perhaps expected an "all clear". When the diagnoses came through I think we were both stunned. I supposed this was the point when I realised I had to be "strong", the male role. Except I didn't feel strong inside. Tracey is the strong one in my family, probably followed by Olivia, I am way down the pecking order.

So there I was, a shoulder to lean on, keeping it all in. Tracey made most of the important phone calls to her family and I phoned my relatives and friends. Who should I tell? Who would want to know? Do I want to talk to any one? Get a grip!

Everyone was wonderful, without exception. Even work has been very good to me, Thank god for public service. We had a few lovely days before surgery including a great day out with kids in Dorset and then - chop, chop, all change.

I suppose my problem with this has been just coming to grips with it. No surgery for me. No agonising wait. No major operation, no changes to my body. Just lots of people feeling sorry for Trace AND ME. But why me? I'm not ill. You see I can even turn this in to self pity.

But don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all the support and offers of help. We have had a house full of flowers and love for the last few weeks. I've spent a few sleepless moments just staring at her sleeping, breathing (and snoring before I get too sloppy).

I suppose the point I am trying to make is that I feel so helpless and hopeless. I have spent the last week burning energy, moving from one job to another but not actually getting anything done. Start this, start that. Fill the pool, water the plants, feed the fish, move the rabbits, read a book, write the blog, go to work, sweep, wash, cook. And the lack of sleep. Perhaps this is worse of all. I just couldn't get sleep, not until my Trace was beside me again. Ironically the problem now is that I snore too loudly and have to be woken at regular intervals.

So where are we now? The chronology is simple, hospital, test, diagnosis, operation, home. We are now waiting for test results and then more results, therepy, therapy, therapy. But that doesn't give a clue about where the family is.

I've already told you about me. I am going slowly mad through worry and lack of sleep. This is nothing that a quiet weekend won't cure (at least for a while). I think I will read a good history book.

What about the kids? Well they are holding up well, some teenage drama and sulking, a few arguments, but that is all normal. Livi is spending a bit more time than usual with her boyfriend, but they are going on holiday at the end of the week so may be that is normal. Adam is Adam. Futsal music and eating. Braces off in September. And Vaughan, a bit more argumentative than normal but that might be just me.

The Tinsley family moves on. The thoughts of chairman Chris will appear agin when I have cleared my head. Perhaps we can move on to politics, I have the Liberal Democrats in my sights at the moment.

Chris x