Of course the thing is the anger, bottled up inside waiting to explode. It simmers away and eats at you. With every sleepless night it gets worse. It's caused by frustration which in itself is caused by helplessness and this is made worse by the afore mentioned lack of sleep. I should say now that I have had a good night's sleep last night so the anger has subsided. If you combine the anger with a series of events outside your control - bingo, explosion. Tick tock, tick tock -BANG.

I suppose the things which are furthest outside of my control are people, so they make me very angry, particularly the ones closest to me or the ones I interact with at work. I walk away from the anger at work, just leave the situation or I keep my head down, stare at the computer screen. Writing crap is always good for keeping the anger at bay, I'm in the right job.

My family feel the brunt of my anger at home, particularly Adam and Vaughan. I suppose Olivia would be feeling the same if she ever spent any time with us. My advice is, if you do intend to shout at anyone, shout at the ones who's income you control, men have been doing it for centuries and it works.

Tracey meanwhile continues to be brave. There are a few winces, a few complaints about the plasters and a few moans about the stockings, but not much more than that. We/she are living from day to day waiting for the next appointment and the next and the next.

In the old days I would have got rid of the frustration with a game of cricket, somewhere where I was in control, for at least some of the time. Or if it was winter, on the rugby or football field. I now try and rid myself of pain by working in the garden or house. This just sets me up for more problems as I am useless at gardening and decorating. If I was interested in or good at these things I would have become a gardener or a painter and decorator. I work with computers. Perhaps I should just try reading.

I should tell you about my day, I will try not to make it sound too similar to Tracey's blog. Up early, a good start to the day as I take Livi and Sam,her boyfriend, to an early train in Chippenham on the way to a holiday with Sam's family in Newquay. A bit of piece and quiet for the week. Back for a lazy lunch and then drop Vaughan with a friend for the day. That only left the three of us. I spent most of the day messing about, refilling the pool. I also took Tracey for a short walk along the canal. It was good to get her out.

I took out some frustration making kebabs for tea, god they took a long time 12 sticks for 3 of us. If only I enjoyed cooking.

Then there's the football,I can't believe Iv'e lost interest in it. Spain, Germany, Netherlands, Uruguay, some good matches but I just can't get in to. Can I blame the cancer for me losing interest in fooball? I think I should try, but in a manly way.

So there we are, another few days gone by. My initial mixed up emotions have been replaced by just anger eating away at me (perhaps I should chuck in a little residual guilt as well). I am no further forward.

Can't wait for tomorrow, I get my first lie in for ages.

Chris